It’s often said that mothers have to have the skill set of an acrobatic pilot with a head for numbers and the ability to read upside down. Ok, maybe I just threw a bunch of words together but it kind of works. There’s all the new stuff that you need to learn how to do; breast or bottle feed, soothe tiny cries, fix sore knees, puree four different foods into a goopy paste. But all those things are kind of expected (apart from the pureeing meat thing, no one tells you you’ll have to use a hand blender to tear apart a cow). They pop up in all the literature and are generally discussed prior to the arrival of the baby delivering stork. What doesn’t get discussed as often are the slightly more obscure things that you become really, really good at, but often get little or no recognition for (when’s the last time someone applauded you, really applauded you, for grinding up the aforementioned cow? I rest my case). I’m righting that wrong here and now though and publicly giving myself a fairy clap for the following.
– Developing extreme bladder control (even more impressive after childbirth). There are days when I realize it has been a millennia since I have wee’d. I know that this is atrociously bad for my bladder, kidneys, possibly my little toe but honest to god sometimes it just falls to the bottom of the pile. When it comes to skipping the loo and leaving the house to get to sing-a-long at the library on time, thus avoiding the steely glare of chief sing-a-long lady who does not appreciate tardiness, or taking that wee break, well let’s just say it can be a long car ride and even longer sing-a-long session.
– Performing poses reminiscent of a gymnastic ballerina to reach the basket under the stroller while holding a baby. I always leave my waterproof rug in this basket and never seem to remember to take it out, cue a London 2012-esque backbend to secure blanket, baby and sometimes even a basket of washing.
– Squatting like a body pump hero. Similar to the above, I often need to procure items off the floor while holding 10kgs of baby. I cannot lean forward at risk of dropping said baby so I must engage my quads and feel the burn. And it does burn both on the way down and on the way back. But I nail it, every single time.
– Inventing a sound for a variety of different animals who’s voice you have never heard. Zoo animals are particularly difficult and deserve extra snaps (if anyone can enlighten me to the noise a giraffe makes, it would be appreciated as, at the moment, my giraffe sounds like a cross between a sick horse and an even sicker lion).
– Transforming everyday objects into fantastic toys. I don’t actually know if I can take all the credit for this as it’s most likely due to my kids imagination but I was the one who supplied the empty coffee cup and jar with rice in it so I’m patting myself on the back.
– Debuting grammy award winning made up tunes that replace profanity with pretend words like ‘moo moo’ and ‘ba ba bu bu’. I’m expecting a call up to perform with Jay-Z for baby Blu any day.