After the glorious pronouncement that you are with child (if the gigantor boobs, suspicious trips to the bathroom each morning and t-shirt emblazoned with ‘Eating for two’ hasn’t already given it away), you’re guaranteed to hear the same phrase, admittedly in a variety of creative disguises, over the nine months that your belly swells. “Get ready cos your life is about to change,” is the usual chorus. Friends, relatives, random strangers in supermarkets, it’s the go to line for anyone conversing with a visibly pregnant woman (and her partner). This may indeed be true. The changes to everything; body, mind and wardrobe, are intense and quite frankly, ridiculous at times. Then along comes baby number one and eventually, number two and suddenly you’ve got a couple of permanent attachments. But I can breathe easily knowing that some things, regardless of pregnancy or birth, will never change (and best of all, I can blame half of these on the baby).
1. You will still be unable to raise a smile from the guy who owns the local cafe in town. He is quite possibly the most miserable person to have ever lived and not even your hilarious banter or the two cuties accompanying you for your large cappucino can change that.
2. You will still marvel at the down right genius that is your slow cooker. If it was a miracle worker pre-kids, it’s now become your saviour in a stainless steel shell.
3. You will still argue with your husband as to the best way to flea the cats. We are crazy cat people, I do not apologise for this fact.
4. You will still trek to the supermarket for chicken breasts and milk and return with $95.00 worth of food but no chicken or milk. You will then collapse in a melodramatic heap at the injustice of a world where the supermarket cashier cannot mind read and remind you that you’ve forgotten the essential items.
5. You will still vow to cut down to one coffee a day. This is a patently ludicrous notion as you need it’s sweet, caffeinated goodness now more than ever.
6. You will still forget to order your contacts on time and resort to having to wear a prescription approximately 300 times too weak for your rapidly deteriorating eyes, thus spending 2-3 days squinting like an angry pirate.
7. You will still have to fight your little brother for the baked potatoes when your mum cooks a roast. Pregnant belly nor non sleeping, teething child is enough to prevent this outrageous act from occurring.
8. You will still get confused as to why rubber washing up gloves always coat your hands in that disgusting powdery stuff. You will notice this more often as your rubber glove usage multiplies due to the extra stuff that needs washing.
9. You will still carry around a bag roughly the size of a medium sized dog, except now you have a reasonable-ish excuse.
10. You will still resort to wearing your hair in a style that appears to be a cross between a top knot and something often seen in a primary school playground. It will be affixed to your head with copious amounts of dry shampoo and a broken hair elastic which you tied back together as you were unable to find a replacement.