Dear OllieDear Ollie,

In a few short weeks everything is going to change in our little world. For the past two and a bit years, it’s been just us. You and me. While you are so lucky to have the most amazing father and grandparents, for the main part, it’s been the two of us navigating this sometimes muddled up world of motherhood.

We’ve spent almost all our waking hours together since Jan 17th 2012 when you arrived into the world and turned me into a mother. A mother! Me! It was a concept that was so familiar yet so alien until it actually happened. All of a sudden, the teeny bottom that had been tucked up under my ribs and little fists that had pummelled my belly belonged to a real life baby. A baby who was mine.

We didn’t have the easiest start to things. There was the breastfeeding which you probably don’t remember but was a bit of an uphill battle. Then there was the mental health stuff, which I really hope you don’t remember. The OCD and PND that struck and made me wonder if I was going any of this mothering thing the right way. I used to cry as I fed you of an evening, filled with a sadness that you were stuck with me as a mother. I thought you deserved more. A better mother. A mother who wasn’t plagued with doubt, fear and insecurity. You were perfect in every way, and I wasn’t. And I felt guilty for that. I made up for it by loving you as intensely as possibly. It is my absolute wish that you never felt anything other than love in your first few months of life. That you never managed to see what was going on behind my smiles and the songs we’d sing together every morning and night before bed.

Slowly however, we got through the worst of it and the fog lifted. I say ‘we’ because you my darling were the one who pulled your mother through the dark clouds. While your daddy was my rock, you were my anchor, guiding me back to the surface and out of my head. Every single tablet I took, every single therapy session I sat through I did with the knowledge that while I didn’t always feel I deserved the title, you had picked me and it was time for me to step up to the plate and be your mother.

Life slowly returned to a new kind of normal. You were and still are what occupied the majority of my days. You grew and I grew. I started to see myself in you (even though you were and still are the spitting image of your dad). I started to get a taste of what motherhood could feel like. The sweetness of the experience. Our days developed more structure and we found ourselves part of a community of other mums and bubs. We made friends, friends that we are so lucky to still have in our lives, even after leaving the house we brought you home to and moving away from the city.

As you’ve gotten older, you’ve become less fragile baby who kind of rolled along with the action and more like my little buddy. We’re a team, you and I. We do our days together, whether it’s the boring stuff like grocery shopping or the more exciting, we do it as a twosome. You’re at an age now where we chat, endlessly, about everything and it’s no longer a one sided conversation. The first time you said ‘Mama’ was one the best things I’ve ever heard in my life. Now that you say it on am hourly basis, I still love it. You remind me every time you say it that I am your mama. Me. Just as it was on that very first day, I still struggle to wrap my head around the idea.

I’m constantly amazed by the new words and sentences you seem to learn every week and I don’t think I’ll ever tire of seeing how proud you look when you master a tricky phrase or a new skill. When you tug me over to show me something that you’ve built or made, it pretty much makes my heart want to burst wide open. When I watch you, usually without you even realising, I still can’t believe the little person you’ve grown into. And when you wrap your arms around my neck and just want to be cuddled, alongside your favourite bear, I start to think that, somehow, I’ve done something right.

In a couple of weeks you’ll become a big brother. This is a big deal for us both. You don’t realise it yet but soon there will be another little person wanting to be scooped up by my arms. I’ve told your daddy that I’m scared of what’s to come. Of it no longer being just the two of us. How I wonder where on earth I’ll find the love I have for you for your sister. How the arrival of an unpreditctable element will impact our relationship. When I’m suddenly a mother of two and not just ‘Ollie’s mum.’ Our well formed routine will be shaken up. My attention will be diverted, sometimes for what might seem like a really long time.

I want you to know though Ollie, on the eve of all these changes, that no matter what the future throws up, you are still my everything. The title will soon be shared with your sister but my love for you, my appreciation for the person you’ve helped me become, will never, ever change. I will never be able to accurately tell you just how much you’ve changed me. I’m not sure you’ll ever know the extent of the love I have for you. Maybe when you have your own kids, you’ll start to get a taste of it but until then, I’ll do my best to show you everyday that you are loved and appreciated for the unique and wonderful little person you are.

While I’m not sure how fate and all that stuff works, I think somehow that you were always meant for me. To come into my life and our family. To weather the initial storms and come out the other side so strongly bonded to me that it’s sometimes a little scary. For whatever reason, you chose me and I will love you forever.

Your mama

Dear OllieDear Ollie
Dear Ollie

Linking up with Grace over at ‘With Some Grace‘ for FYBF

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11 Comments on Dear Ollie.. On The Eve Of Becoming A Big Brother

  1. Kristen
    May 8, 2014 at 8:48 pm (3 years ago)

    Beautiful! As I prepare for the birth of my second child this rings so true for me. I worry about how my son, my everything, will cope with all the changes. He has changed me so much, for the better. He has made me a mummy. And it’s hard to imagine loving another little person just as much as him. Ollie is a very lucky little boy 🙂

    Reply
    • Not Just A Mummy
      May 8, 2014 at 8:50 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you Kristin! We are so lucky to have him! Totally with you on wondering how on earth you could love another little person as much as you love the one you have now.. I’m still mystified as to how that’s going to work but I’m assured it somehow does! Good luck for number two! How long to go now??

      Reply
      • Kristen
        May 8, 2014 at 9:52 pm (3 years ago)

        14 weeks still, but time is flying by! Starting to get excited and can’t wait to meet her/him!

        Reply
  2. john
    May 8, 2014 at 8:52 pm (3 years ago)

    Through those early valleys of self doubt and self torment, your mum and I KNEW that you would become the self confident and loving mum that you have turned out to be. Ollie is VERY blessed to have parents like Adam and you.

    I see an OPTIMALIST (looking on the bright side but understanding there will be valleys to climb up!!) outlook developing more and more in your life. The valleys you have climbed out of were at times deep BUT you climbed out of them. To do that you showed great strength and determination.

    xxxx

    Reply
    • Not Just A Mummy
      May 8, 2014 at 8:54 pm (3 years ago)

      Thanks dad. You know you guys mean the world to us!

      Reply
  3. Julia
    May 8, 2014 at 9:26 pm (3 years ago)

    Hi,
    I’ve been reading your blog for about a year. My boy is 11 months younger than Ollie. Over this time, you have pulled me out of some very dark times and I just want to thank you for your amazing words. This particular post has brought me to tears. I totally identify with everything you have said. We are just thinking about number 2, and I can see my mind wandering down the same path. Thank you so much for everything you share, whether it be about the inner stuff or the coral lip stuff, I love it all.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  4. Leaving Mediocrity
    May 8, 2014 at 10:37 pm (3 years ago)

    My oldest son (2 y/o at the time) used to walk around the house with our remote control. He would carry it with him as he wandered from room to room because he enjoyed pushing buttons. As you can imagine this can wreak havoc on TV viewing but he enjoyed his toy. (By the way so glad we spent all that money at Toys R Us when I could have gone to radio shack and bought an extra remote).
    Anyway, the day we brought our second son home from the hospital and the two of them met for the first time, my older son sat there and looked at the baby in my wife’s arms and after about a minute he took his remote control and handed it to the baby.
    All of our stress about how introducing our new child would affect our oldest son and the family dynamic alleviated just by sharing the remote control. There were still rough patches here and there but I am happy to report they are now 8 and 6, the brothers have managed to not kill each other this far.

    Reply
  5. Ai Sakura
    May 9, 2014 at 9:02 am (3 years ago)

    Such a beautiful letter! Ollie is such a lovely child and can’t wait to see the new addition! All the best in your delivery 🙂

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

    Reply
  6. stephanie@stephsjoy
    May 9, 2014 at 9:20 am (3 years ago)

    what a lovely letter to your boy! Exciting times for you ahead with the impending arrival, enjoy it!

    Reply
  7. Toni @ Finding Myself Young
    May 9, 2014 at 7:23 pm (3 years ago)

    I am so attached to my little girl and so used to it being just the two of us I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when we have another. I suffered from PND and really bad anxiety after her birth too so that plays on my mind. I can relate so much to the words you have written and then sentiments behind them.

    He may surprise you and be a really loving big brother and think of her as his baby instead of a competitor for mums time. My nephew was totally and utterly in love with my daughter because she was a girl and he only has brothers. He was kissing her and wanted to sit next to her in the car to make sure she was alright. He’d pat her when she cried and when he was playing every few minutes he’d come and check if she was ok. He’s never been like that with any of the boy babies in the family. I think its a different bond between boys and girls, its not as threatening to them I think?

    Reply
  8. Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me
    May 11, 2014 at 1:45 pm (3 years ago)

    It is such a anxious time I do remember this feeling but the second (and third) time around things come so much easier, you don’t worry as much and you realise you can’t break them… Thanks for sharing this sweet post x

    Reply

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